Trapped in a truck with God’s plan

It was January when I saw the first one. At least, it was January before I saw a sign too big to dismiss as coincidence. In attending the memorial for an old family friend and childhood neighbour, the very matriarch of the family who had introduced me to the program of AA, I realized that she had passed away on the exact same day I had started down my new life path.

I was overwhelmed by this development because I felt like there was no way I was pulling it off on my own. Suddenly I felt like I had direct angel strings behind me. This was the first line I openly embraced  to a God of my understanding, if you will. I prefer to think of it as energy, or finding my connection with the collective consciousness.

Since then I have found messages in abundance. It left me wondering if they had always been there, but my eyes had been clouded. Someone recently reminded me that messages will only come to you when you are heading in the right direction. They will only appear to reveal where you’re meant to be.

I wasn’t going where I was meant to be going for many years.

And I know that spirituality makes people uncomfortable and the mention of God maybe closed some browsers already.  And I’ve had lots of people question the validity of things I deem significant. That’s fine and fair, but in response I wonder – whether divine or not, if I feel that I’m being given guidance towards right action, who cares if I can prove it?

Not I.

In honour of my two year milestone, I arranged a trip away with a good friend of mine who is similarly trying to live a better life. We went out to the west coast of Vancouver Island to unwind and relax. We had a great day of beach crawling in the autumn storms.

This morning as we embarked on our journey home, we nearly immediately entered a deadzone for cellular service and found all the music that was available to us had mysteriously vanished from the phone.

Literally the only thing we could play was a speaker tape. A meeting in a podcast.

Okay, this trip is to celebrate my achievement but that doesn’t mean I want to be forced into a meeting on my roadtrip. And yet, there it was.

Did I mention the meat of the podcast was nearly the exact length of our time without service?

They say, in the rooms of choose your own anonymous, that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. I have found that I am far better able to navigate my life when I am firmly rooted in this principle.

I may not be able to see the plan at the time, and sometimes there are aspects I may never understand. I have a pretty close-up view of a way bigger picture at work. It is somehow more comfortable for me to endure the suffering life has to offer when it’s a part of a larger project, even if that project is just the human experience itself.

I felt this resistance in the pit of my stomach about listening to a speaker tape and reminded myself that resistance is the enemy of forward motion. So we listened to this woman talk and I cried my eyes out.

I was reminded of where I was two years ago.

I was reminded that there wasn’t a thing on this planet that was enough to stop my path of calamity.

I was reminded of the hell I clawed my way back from.

Love wasn’t enough. My health wasn’t enough. My constant suffering wasn’t enough. And no amount of trying to get a handle on my problem was proving fruitful at all.

No amount of guilt or shame could remove me from the cycle I was in.

And to this day, I honestly couldn’t tell you with any authority what made that day any different from the multitude of days that came prior. I don’t know, still, the definitive way to stop using drugs.

I know, today, that there are certain things in my life that are not negotiable. There are maintenance items I have to prioritize. I know what keeps me safe from using today.

Today I have the power to choose.

I maintain these things because I have seen what happens when I open the door. That’s where I no longer have the power to choose.

Just for today.

One day at a time.

Get yourself through to midnight, then repeat the things that have proven safe, healthy and fulfilling.

The words that came through on the radio might as well have come directly from my higher power. As is typical, many of the things troubling me come from drifting away from the principles that saved my life.

I left home looking for a restorative experience on the west edge of the land. Who knew I would find it trapped by God in a truck?