The Danger of Forgetting

I’ve been reflecting recently about the after effects.

Some time after we have set foot on a better path in life, the novelty of the walk itself wears off.

Where I was once able to find genuine wonderment in everyday life, I now get a little bit grumpy.

It can be very difficult when you are navigating a hard world with a soft heart, and I think when I started on my journey in “recovery” I was so used to making terrible decisions it felt like everything was suddenly amazing when the bad decisions slowed down.

It’s like a honeymoon phase, but I was falling in love with life.

There came a time when the cute and quirky little things became inconvenient annoyances. Did life change or did my perspective shift?

I got too accustomed to the blessings. Waking up every morning became less of a miracle not because it’s any less miraculous that I’m still here, but because I got further from a life where I was cheating death every day. On one hand, the survivor’s guilt I felt because I am alive when so many of my friends are not started to fade. On the other hand, so did the acute awareness of my gratitude.

It’s like the better our life and consciousness become, the more intuitively we manage trials and tribulations, the less we see how blessed we are.

If ever there was a slippery slope for an addict, it would begin with feeling so comfortable with “normal” we take it for granted.

I feel it before I can identify it, too. Without a daily practice of gratitude I find myself wallowing in  hardships I could otherwise tolerate fine. I find myself shaking my fist at the clouds far more often, demanding to know why everything is so fucking difficult all the time.

The stupid part being that I know the answer already.

I’m a firm believer that there’s no one path to anything. I feel that individuals are so varied, our journeys will be just as different as the people who walk them. My version of arresting addiction isn’t by the book and frankly, makes many big book thumpers very uncomfortable. I know people who have stepped away from me as a direct result of my recovery formula. I know people who have said pretty questionable things to others about this in my absence. I don’t pretend I’m something I’m not and I won’t back down when I’m challenged.

I know that there are certain things I need to maintain in my life to continue to stay off cocaine. I have failed enough to be acutely aware of the risks to my health and safety if I slip into a place of complacency on these. Gratitude and acceptance are the cornerstones of my spiritual health. These are entirely reliant on my own connection with the Universe, the collective consciousness or “God”. If any of these things gets ignored or actively rebelled against, I enter into a life of suffering. When I am suffering, I run the extreme risk of making one bad decision and that bad decision is one that could easily end my life.

I’ve come so far from where I once was, sometimes I have to pause so that I don’t forget.

Not one breath is a given.