We Are Not The Same

For many years I found myself very concerned with the opinions of others.
Some things I could let go, but when it came to things I was passionate about, I was coming at you with a huge hammer to change your mind.
One of the bigger triggers for me was the idea that drug addiction is a choice. Nevermind the fact that substance abuse is defined as a mental illness by medical standards, it defies logic that anyone would choose to live that way.
Then it occurred to me that to believe that, it nearly guarantees that a person has no firsthand experience with it. In order to believe addiction is a matter of willpower, you can’t have watched someone you love turn into a shell of the person they once were.
To believe addiction is a choice is to be blissfully unaware.

I realized something recently, though. After having this conversation with many different types of people, it dawned on me that there’s another factor at play. Quite often a person will tell me about a dark time they went through, themselves.
A lot of times, people will tell me in a hushed tone that they once found comfort in the numbness of disordered substance use. Whether it’s drug use or an abuse of alcohol, many people have a period of time in their past where they could see these things heading in a problematic direction.
The mindset is: I was on that edge and pulled it back.

It’s insidious in nature, really, because it seems like it makes the case for willpower. It really does make it seem like some people know when to quit- make a decision to alter course- while others just give in.

The dictionary definition of addiction is the use of something beyond the point of it being detrimental.
It’s not that some of us are better people.
It’s not that some of us love our kids more.
It’s not that some of us don’t know when to quit.

It’s that even when we know it’s time to quit, we can’t turn it off.
It’s swearing this is the last time, only to do it all again the next day.
It’s making rules around morals and ethics only to break every single one of them.
It’s losing yourself, piece by piece, day by day.

Being an addict isn’t a sign of weakness. It isn’t a moral shortcoming.
Being an addict is just a faulty mechanism that means when it’s time for me to stop, my brakes will fail without fail.

How wonderfully blessed are those who can’t tell the difference.