When You Know It’s Right…

I don’t know how many times I nearly gave up. I crunched the numbers a million times. I filled out a million forms. I had this viewing and that phone call and everything I did fell flat. Everything that looked promising ended in rejection.

I started to question if I was on the right path at all. Surely if I was going the way I was meant to be going it wouldn’t be so difficult, right?

How am I supposed to discern my own plan from the plan the universe has?

So I would pause a minute and look around. Try to regroup. I would try to find peace with what was. I would try to loosen my grip on my hurt feelings and I would find myself facing the same situations, explosions and hurt feelings.

The only way out is through, I’d tell myself. I expressed my frustrations to family and friends. Waiting lists were too long. Every Avenue a dead end. The only solutions weren’t viable for our family and searching for a home was becoming a full time job.

I felt like I was doing nothing more than running in place.

And suddenly everything clicked.

It’s immensely frustrating to hear that the right thing is coming.

It’s so hard in those moments to hear someone tell you that everything will work out and to stay the course.

Yet, the right thing was piecing itself together just as they said. When I found out new home there was no doubt whatsoever it was the perfect fit. When they said they wanted me to move in it was settled. When I found out we share a birthday it was comically coincidental.

From the second I set foot here I knew it was the next chapter in our story. The story, that is, of me and my kids.

I’m creating something here. I saw a gap in my responsibility and I work hard today to amend it. I saw things that negatively impacted us and I strive today to create space separate from some of those things.

This is a long game. This is a foundation I need to be sturdy. This is solely crafted with the best interests of the three of us in mind.

The decisions I’m making here aren’t about my happily ever after. The truth is I would never work so hard for just myself.

I built a home on sand, focused on my need to feel accepted and enough. I destroyed it all seeking reassurance outside of myself and abandoning my intuition.

This time things are different.

I want something different for us.

My kids deserve something different.

Everything else comes after.