The first time I remember seeing a psychologist I think I was 9 or 10. He was a man of medium build with salt and pepper hair. He asked me questions and made me solve puzzles.

The only puzzle I remember was a soccer ball. The puzzle was round instead of square and all the pieces were black or white without much else. I was quite perplexed by it.

I don’t think I ever got it right.

That man told my mother that he couldn’t determine what was “wrong” with me, per se, but clearly I was obtuse.

Diagnosis of, “this kid should be able to do this stuff but can’t”.

Diagnosis of, *shrug*.

Something, something judging a bird on his ability to swim.

The second one I remember seeing was at children’s hospital when I was in my mid-teens. This one did not say I was obtuse, rather diagnosed me as being “gifted with ADHD tendencies”.

I have seen a lot of brain doctors and had a lot of hypothetical diagnostics thrown at me. I’ve taken many different drugs and I’ve been placed in therapies of many types.

They say the average person with ADHD will come up against a lot more criticism than their neurotypical peers will, especially in early stages of school and social development. I remember failure. I remember feeling like I was frustrating people and disappointing people. I remember not being comfortable with having my work marked and not wanting to do try because I felt so disheartened when my best wasn’t right.

I am the exact kind of person who slips through the cracks of formal schooling because no one could sort out how to reach me.

I have had a great deal of experience with criticism. I dropped out of school a lot of times and failed a lot of classes and I received a lot of consistent feedback on my capabilities vs my performance.

I experienced this for no reason, as far as I knew. I didn’t know I had a weird brain. I didn’t know there were strengths to accompany the weaknesses.

I left school, but not before it delivered a massive blow to my self worth. Not before putting in a decade or more. I left school, but not before my test scores of 0 were posted for all to see. I left, but not before kids moo’d at me in the halls. I left school because it hurt to go. I left school but a great deal of damage was already done.

I wanted to be good at it. I wanted to make it work. Sooner or later I just couldn’t do it anymore and I had to make the choice of my sanity or the status quo.

I left school but a lot of the mindset I found there stayed with me. The beliefs I had about myself stayed with me long after I left the building.

It’s been a theme for me:

I don’t know WHY I am this way but I am. I don’t know WHY I can’t do it, I just can’t. I don’t know WHY I act differently than everyone else. I just do.

I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to think differently. I didn’t ask to feel everything to my core. In fact, if I asked for anything at all it was the ability to just be more capable of doing the things everyone seems to be capable of doing. I didn’t have the information or the science or the understanding of my brain.

Instead of any of that, what I had was more criticism. I built a world out of what I knew.  I recreated patterns and tried to heal my hurt by winning the favour of someone who just refused to be pleased.

One doctor looked at me and saw a dimwit.

One doctor looked at me and saw brilliance.

I don’t think I was in control of either one. Maybe people see what they want to see. Maybe who you believe I am wasn’t ever up to me.