I didn’t go looking.
One of the things I naturally notice are patterns of behaviour. I am inattentive in a lot of ways but fascinated if not fixated on the motives behind the things people do.
This is a kind of mental puzzle I do throughout the day to keep my mind occupied. I’ve stopped wanting to inform the opinions of others and moved more into a curiosity about the things that lead people to such vastly different ideals. I play a sociological game of odds as I observe people to try and sort out what their motivation might be for any given behaviour they’re exhibiting.
I’m not a mind reader by any stretch but I do notice patterns shift when it comes to preferred people.
When it began, make no mistake, I knew it had.
I knew it in my bones and I called it as I saw it. I saw the shift and there was no doubt.
I didn’t go looking.
I put it together on my own but I made a conscious decision not to dive in. I put it together on my own and I had a pretty good idea, even, of who.
I didn’t go looking.
Because I have been the kind of person that does that. I have been the person who has a bad feeling they choose to investigate and I have been the person who found betrayal. I have been the person who has set clear boundaries that were clearly ignored time and time again. I have given a great deal of time and energy to going on the hunting missions and suffered a great deal of misery as a result.
After years of going looking I decided to stop. I decided in October, actually, that knowing was enough.
I don’t need any more gotcha moments to know I’m being lied to, I have lots of practice. If I struggled to find integrity and honesty when it mattered I’m surely not going to find it now.
So I didn’t go looking. I got updates directly to my inboxes.
“did you know…”
“have you seen…?”
No, my friends. I didn’t know and I hadn’t seen because I wasn’t looking. I didn’t know and hadn’t seen because I don’t need to know or see.
Enough revealed itself to me without having to go looking. I got a very clear picture of what was brewing before it was posted in a video for all to see.
I had numerous people sit awkwardly in silence around me because they were keeping secrets.
Why would we hush hush if everything was good, though? It’s kind of hard to say you’re on the right side of something you’re not comfortable admitting your part when those affected are in the room. Worse still to come back with justifications after the fact.
I went looking for a long time and never stopped finding hurt feelings, crushed boundaries and disrespectful conduct.
Today I don’t need to go looking because I know what I’ll find. Today I don’t go looking because I KNOW I’m not dealing with something novel and I’m not bursting at the seams thinking I likely ever will be. I went looking and found enough to finally find my way out of that situation.
Today I don’t go looking because there’s nothing extraordinary about manipulation. There’s not one interesting thing to hold my attention.
Just the same old, same old shit I’ve watching and I, for one, have seen enough.
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