Do You Remember? Of Course I Do.

I have some weird mental block on certain tasks. I know this is an ADHD trait of some kind but there are just some jobs that I “don’t know how to do and don’t care to learn”.

Certain things are internally classified as beyond my scope. I am, after all, just a girl at my core.

I don’t know how to hang stuff. I don’t know how to use a drywall anchor and I can only identify like five tools.

Handyman shit isnt something beyond my ability, surely. It’s just classified as a “blue” job in my mind. This is particularly odd given that my early childhood was markedly devoid of male cohabitation. There weren’t jobs sorted by gender because there was no blue to delegate to.

(I’m realizing as I write this that “blue” jobs in my mind are just jobs  for someone else. It doesn’t matter who does the blue, I just don’t want to be guilty of messing stuff up and inconveniencing others when I inevitably get it wrong. Blue is for you.)

I’m trying to create my little home and make it cozy. I don’t exactly have a distinct vision but I like photos and trinkets and I’m slowly getting an idea of the way I like things to look.

On my better days. On the worst of my days everything is as chaotic as I am.

I found some really basic black frames and sat down to pick photos with which to fill them. Despite how I’m feeling about the past right now it deserves to be honoured and represented.

It’s not easy to do, though, for a sensitive girly who loves too long.

The files are organized by year. Surprisingly I managed to keep the majority of my photos in order, though they’re probably the only thing. I dove in.

“do you remember any of the good things?”

My hard drive is filled with good things. Smiling, I searched through photos of our daughter’s first trip to the beach. I found trips she and I took to Granville Island and the aquarium. We visited gardens with friebds. We went to lakes and pools. I didn’t drive yet and we took transit everywhere. There were snapshots in time of Abby and mom at friends houses for barbeques and birthday parties.

I remember. I do. The smells and sounds and smiles. How could I forget? I was front and centre.

I moved forty photos to my laptop and I only needed eight.

My home is slowly taking shape. The walls are filled with the beautiful memories I made with my children. I’ve fucked up so profoundly at various times in this life and these two kids are by my side with love and forgiveness unlike anything I’ve ever known. I don’t deserve the two of them by any stretch.

See, I don’t just remember the good things. I have the good things right here in the palm of my hand.