Fatherless Behaviour

I recently started writing in a journal I was given that offers questions and prompts of reflection. A page asked who I would be without my trauma and pain narrative and caused me to pause for a few minutes.

Who WOULD I be without my fatherless behaviour?

Sometimes people with abandonment wounds will flutter from partner to partner, committed only to the dopamine hit of being chosen in some capacity. Though my tendency isn’t to have multiple romantic partners so much, I’ve definitely been known to do some people pleasing. My malady manifested mostly in the form of constantly trying to gain the approval of one difficult person.

If I hadn’t felt abandoned in my formative years I wouldn’t have had the internal mean girl telling me that everything was my fault. I might have been less inclined to concede my needs to keep the peace. My own needs wouldn’t have taken a backseat to the feeling that I was just lucky anyone wanted me at all.

If I’d have had security in my developing mind I might not have spent so much time telling myself I was inadequate and incapable. I might have recognized projection and sought protection. I might have known there was a difference.

The impact of a choice I never made for myself can’t be denied. It influenced how I saw myself and how I interpreted my ability to interact with the world around me.

My self image aside, though, I could have been protected.

In a perfect world my trauma narrative is avoided two fold. I am treated in a way that fosters self respect and I am protected.

In a world like that I would see it coming. In a world like that I would trust my gut.

Without my fatherless behaviour I’d never have brought him home. If a father had seen it he’d have raised an eyebrow.

I might not have spent my time on endeavors that were never enough. I might have intrinsically known what I brought to the table.

Without my pain narrative i would have already known what I struggled to learn. I might have self respect but none of the perspective.

Without my trauma I would have never let this happen in the first place. I would have known much sooner than I did that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m not a burden and I have plenty to offer.

That knowledge is coming to me, though. It’s hard won, not a natural gift I was given this go round, but meaningful in a practical way.

Today I have experience with being the scapegoat, the villain, the problem. I know what it is to argue every opinion I have and decision I make. I know what it’s like to spend days trying to be heard. My daddy may not have shown me how to be treated with respect but I learned what it looks like just the same.

Fatherless Behaviour?

It never said anything about me.

Handed down before I knew better. Utilized in the place of genuine dedication.

The greatest lessons aren’t easy to learn.

The deepest patterns are hardest to break.