ex blogger

It is no fun being unhealthy. If nothing else, though, being this sick has been a really profound exercise in what it means to accept and surrender. There were times when I dug my heels in for a bit over things that weren’t mine to control, and what I found out was that the act…

I wake up in the morning, strip off my clothes and step on the scale. I told them two months ago in the hospital that if I became aware of my weight I would become obsessed with my weight. And here we are. The morning ritual. Every day checking in, nervous about the numbers. Why?…

I spend a great deal of my time thinking. I’ll often reflect upon and talk about how coming out of addiction feels like a long and slow near death experience, and the ways in which I started to see things differently. With my own perspective shift, I began to categorize things. I had to do…

I have written before about what it was like at the end of my active addiction and throughout the months when I first stopped using. I suffered from a condition called anhedonia which basically means that I was unable to feel much of anything at all. It can come with post-acute withdrawal syndrome and it’s…

I have been wanting to share what I said in September at Kathy’s memorial, and I feel it’s appropriate today on the anniversary of her passing. Forever missed and loved. It must have been May because the trail was still muddy. Kathy was wearing her red rubber boots, but I remember that she had a…

I do a lot of thinking. A lot of addicts I know do, too. I analyze everything as it’s happening and then I unpack it later and examine it some more. I always say I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge, which is funny because at times I can be stubborn, difficult and unteachable. It’s…

When I was in treatment I was diagnosed with anhedonia. This is the scientific term for the inability to feel joy or pleasure. I did some pretty serious damage to my body and my brain and in the beginning, I was certainly paying for it. When you flood your brain with dopamine repeatedly for a…

When I was in treatment we learned about something called Distress Tolerance. It was actually the first module of work that they gave me, I guess it was easy to tell where to start from my entrance survey or the records that my counselors had sent over. Distress tolerance is basically exactly what it sounds…

I can get swept up in stuff really easily. Good or bad, happy or sad, whatever state I’m in right now feels like that’s where I’m going to exist forever. If I’m feeling lifted it’s like I’ve never been sad before, or if I’m sad I get caught up in feeling like everything is the…

My life has changed drastically. It’s been five months of living California clean. Five months free and safe. My brain is clearer and my motives are (as often as possible) based on the greater good, or as they say, doing the next right thing. I am feeling my feelings and surviving through them, each time…