ex blogger

I have been wanting to share what I said in September at Kathy’s memorial, and I feel it’s appropriate today on the anniversary of her passing. Forever missed and loved. It must have been May because the trail was still muddy. Kathy was wearing her red rubber boots, but I remember that she had a…

I do a lot of thinking. A lot of addicts I know do, too. I analyze everything as it’s happening and then I unpack it later and examine it some more. I always say I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge, which is funny because at times I can be stubborn, difficult and unteachable. It’s…

When I was in treatment I was diagnosed with anhedonia. This is the scientific term for the inability to feel joy or pleasure. I did some pretty serious damage to my body and my brain and in the beginning, I was certainly paying for it. When you flood your brain with dopamine repeatedly for a…

When I was in treatment we learned about something called Distress Tolerance. It was actually the first module of work that they gave me, I guess it was easy to tell where to start from my entrance survey or the records that my counselors had sent over. Distress tolerance is basically exactly what it sounds…

I can get swept up in stuff really easily. Good or bad, happy or sad, whatever state I’m in right now feels like that’s where I’m going to exist forever. If I’m feeling lifted it’s like I’ve never been sad before, or if I’m sad I get caught up in feeling like everything is the…

My life has changed drastically. It’s been five months of living California clean. Five months free and safe. My brain is clearer and my motives are (as often as possible) based on the greater good, or as they say, doing the next right thing. I am feeling my feelings and surviving through them, each time…

I was driving my car, listening to music when I drove passed our old home. That is to say, the land where that home once existed. The house is gone and nothing remains but grass and some uneven earth that used to be the crawlspace. I’ve driven by it before. I’ve said my goodbyes to…

I am sick.I’ve been sick for at least two weeks. Stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, bathroom stuff.Eating has become something of an adventure because I just don’t know what sets me off. Some days all I can stomach is soup and sometimes even that proves to be too much. Coffee is too harsh. Milk products seem…

I don’t usually edit my writing much. I don’t erase sentences often or go back into paragraphs. Once in awhile I rearrange stuff but most often what I publish is fairly strictly stream-of-consciousness and I blame Livejournal for that. Actually, it can be traced even further back, before the phenomenon of home internet, when I…

For seven years, almost to the day, I was a daily rider on the struggle bus. I came to believe that struggling might just be all I was meant to do. I kept digging and digging until the sunshine disappeared and all I could see was dirt and darkness. I deeply yearned for meaning and…