I have a lot on my mind today.
Monday’s are always weird because so much is closed over the weekend and I feel like I have been slacking (when reality I rarely slow down except to sleep). Sometimes it paralyses me and sometimes I somehow get my ass in gear and move. Today was the second kind.
A few days before I left town to watch my mom pass away I received nearly all of the contents of a storage unit I packed a decade ago. When I came home I was still absolutely overrun with boxes hoarded by an individual holding tight to the hope things could get better. Boxes packed when I thought the answer was me being better.
It took two full days to get my kitchen to a place where I could use it. I spent over $200 on trips to the municipal dump. I’ve loaded my car day after day with donations of items that I picked up only to be transported to another time. Another place. Another life. Another me.
I’m overwhelmed by paperwork and phone calls and appointments and documents. I have schedules to keep straight. I have legal matters in three directions and I’m told I’m also grieving.
I feel like I’ve lost patience in light of everything going on. I’ve turned some kind of frustration corner having seen what being quiet does for a person. I spent a very long time expressing directly when I was hurting and being hurt more as a result so I know now what I don’t want to live anymore. I lived a long time in both loneliness and yearning so I have a pretty good idea what they feel like.
I have never had a true partnership but I have had enough experience with being less than to admit defeat. I don’t need twenty years this time to recognize the pattern.
I don’t much care for it. Neither the pattern nor the course of action I have chosen to take.
I keep being hit with these personalized messages. Horoscopes and angel numbers and all the pagan sinner witchy signs that correspond with cycles and patterns and closing doors on things that do nothing but drain our energy.
The first step towards addressing any problem is admitting there is a problem. The first step in growing forward for Lindsay was understanding part of the problem was my propensity to take on the blame for every problem. Some people blame the world around them, some of us blame ourselves.
Humility. Admission of wrongdoing. Apologies. Amends.
And I wrote about growth feeling like a double edged sword because I stand up for myself and respect myself when other people can’t… Only to face the literal scenario of my nightmares in being alone.
Okay. Yes. I’m super fucking uncomfortable with that. I’m standing outside the fire I set to everything I swore I was working to save.
If you had told me the outcome of this endeavor before I began it I likely would have walked off the port mann…
But I’m still standing. And I can’t be sure just yet but I have a feeling it’s just a matter of getting used to this new me.
Because for the first half of my adult life I recieved consistent criticism from someone who would not budge from the couch. I was made to feel guilty for every choice I made and constantly told that I didn’t contribute to the home. When I spoke up I was almost always told I was deserving of the pain or that my feelings were unreasonable and therefore I was on my own. I had my words twisted, my memory questioned and totally inaccurate narratives about my motives repeatedly pushed at me.
And in the limited time I have given my trust to someone else I was shown over and over that I am not a person worth respecting. In so many ways he was the encouraging presence I needed but still couldn’t find it in him to offer me the bare minimum commitment to my sensitive heart.
If you can’t honour me when I am going through one (+) of the most devastating losses of my life you certainly aren’t going to be given another shot. I would in fact rather you become another devastating loss than lose myself in another relationship with someone who needs and needs and needs and can’t give back, ever.
How many times today did I want to reach out? How many times today did I want to crawl into his sphere and beg him to want me? How many times today did I put my foot on the neck of my little inside people pleaser who tried to tell me my worth is only in my value to a man?
This is an outright fucking mental war.
So let’s look at my reality today:
I have everything I need. I am not a burden on anyone. I have strong bonds of trust with the two people who mean the most to me. I have the pleasure of sharing my home and love with these kids. I have a home that is safe and comfortable.
When I make a decision I don’t have to justify it. No one makese feel guilty for buying what we need. I don’t walk on eggshells in my home and I don’t want to run away. My children and I sleep better now.
I don’t have to be subjected to the behaviour of a person who never really liked me because I finally chose not to.
And I thought life would be different for me, yes.
I kind of thought I’d found someone who I could trust through the hard stuff. Twice. But today I don’t check my phone wondering if someone will call. I don’t spiral thinking about what I could do to be better. I don’t have to pine or wait because I have decided not to.
Endings aren’t necessarily what I wanted. It’s just that somewhere along the way I started to see that I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted, either.
It’s up to me who gets access to me and it’s about time it became VIP only.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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