Another month has come and gone leading us right into a gloomy summer startup. July starting out hovering around 18° with wind and humidity so you spend all day putting on and taking off a hoodie.
July is a marker for me.
I signed a lease. I gathered resources. I got myself ready and took a leap of faith.
This morning I woke up with both of my kids here, at home and at peace. I did a few chores and loaded the RAV with things from my purge. Spencer and I did a trip to the dump and saw some deer. We loaded up again and got to pass a tractor and horses walking on the road.
We woke up Abby and played with the dog. I organized the lake gear and the camping gear into bins that are easy to grab. Laundry was folded. We took Abby to work.
It was raining but warm so we took a short drive to the lake and back just because we can. Just because the tunes were good and we were happy together. When we got home he wanted to do chalk but I told him it doesn’t work in the rain, an argument that was cut short when he slipped on his shoelace in the driveway. We had a moment to regulate the betrayal of it all.
I started pasta sauce for dinner with the remaining veggies I had in the crisper and some locally sourced beef so it could simmer through the afternoon.
Spencer and I rescued some delicious delivery pizza we ordered a month ago that I had frozen. I sorted and assessed the freezer as the pizza reheated in the air fryer.
It’s been a year since I started recreating our reality and huge aspects have been overwhelming and heartbreaking. The realizations have been stark and unsettling. The developments have been “sickening” and, for those paying attention, reveal exactly what our life looked like before: me begging for feelings to be considered and being darvo’d to death etc
It’s hard and hurts like hell.
And on the other side of that?
Holy hell, am I ever happy.
Today I cleaned my house and did chores because I have methods that work for me and a little grace for myself when they don’t. I can motivate myself because I have the ability to feel accomplished without justifying it. I can give myself permission to go for a drive or get the kids hot chocolate and I don’t have to figure out how to replace the gas or feel like I’m in trouble. I get to do things without wanting to do them with a person who repeatedly refuses. I don’t do things while knowing I’ll be punished for them later, holding anxiety and guilt through every experience I dared to have.
I buy groceries and the kids don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for eating. There’s no comparison, tallying or competition. No one is owed anything and nothing is being hoarded so it can mould rather than being shared.
I kept us going when I had to stand in line at the food bank. I paid my rent early and my bills on time and slowly started building my credit. And I’m explaining the way I’m doing things financially to Abby, too. She has responsibility for certain things as well.
My eldest saved for a computer in spring while still paying me rent. She goes out when she wants to and makes responsible decisions and chooses her friends wisely. I am proud of her every day.
It’s not easy healing. It’s not easy watching people act in unprincipled ways. It’s not easy to face things, even if they were true all along.
I stood in my kitchen and stirred my pasta sauce today and I thought about how wonderful it is to be here. How beautiful it is to live the life I always dreamed I’d have and be the me i didn’t believe I could be.
How beautiful it is to be free. Because there are a lot of things I can’t change. Lots of stuff beyond what I can control.
Today what I control is simply what controls me. Will she listen today to the voice of mortal beings? Will she ponder if these decisions look right to people outside of her sacred circle? Or will she lean into the things that feel right? Into laughter and nurturing and fostering careful connection?
Eat, drink and be merry. Let those who do not want to be here find the door swiftly.
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