Author: Lindsay Dianne
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Trapped in a truck with God’s plan
It was January when I saw the first one. At least, it was January before I saw a sign too big to dismiss as coincidence. In attending the memorial for an old family friend and childhood neighbour, the very matriarch of the family who had introduced me to the program of AA, I realized that…
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Complex PTSD? Not me!
A lot of people I know are anxious people. They spend their time crafting solutions to every possible scenario that could arise. I am not this way. I have never spent much time thinking about the future, really, at all. It isn’t good or bad, per se, for me. It is undefined. I prefer, or…
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Who, even, am I?
I have a hard time understanding what I look like to those around me. This is because my own view of me is clouded by my own negativity and personal hangups. It is imposter syndrome, but applied just to myself any time anyone gives me a compliment. One of my strongest internal narratives since childhood…
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On the Other Side #addiction #recovery #recoveryposse #odaat
I do a lot of thinking. A lot of addicts I know do, too. I analyze everything as it’s happening and then I unpack it later and examine it some more. I always say I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge, which is funny because at times I can be stubborn, difficult and unteachable. It’s…
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Ode to Joy
When I was in treatment I was diagnosed with anhedonia. This is the scientific term for the inability to feel joy or pleasure. I did some pretty serious damage to my body and my brain and in the beginning, I was certainly paying for it. When you flood your brain with dopamine repeatedly for a…
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On Harder Days – #addiction #recovery #mentalhealth #relapseprevention
When I was in treatment we learned about something called Distress Tolerance. It was actually the first module of work that they gave me, I guess it was easy to tell where to start from my entrance survey or the records that my counselors had sent over. Distress tolerance is basically exactly what it sounds…
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Survivor’s Guilt #Recovery #Addiction #ODAAT
I can get swept up in stuff really easily. Good or bad, happy or sad, whatever state I’m in right now feels like that’s where I’m going to exist forever. If I’m feeling lifted it’s like I’ve never been sad before, or if I’m sad I get caught up in feeling like everything is the…
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The Luckiest Girl in the World – #recovery #WeDoRecover #ODAAT #justfortoday #addiction
My life has changed drastically. It’s been five months of living California clean. Five months free and safe. My brain is clearer and my motives are (as often as possible) based on the greater good, or as they say, doing the next right thing. I am feeling my feelings and surviving through them, each time…
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There You Are – Finding Myself On My Journey Through Ninety Days of #recovery #addiction #trauma
I was driving my car, listening to music when I drove passed our old home. That is to say, the land where that home once existed. The house is gone and nothing remains but grass and some uneven earth that used to be the crawlspace. I’ve driven by it before. I’ve said my goodbyes to…
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Your Fat Phobia is Making Me Ill
I am sick.I’ve been sick for at least two weeks. Stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, bathroom stuff.Eating has become something of an adventure because I just don’t know what sets me off. Some days all I can stomach is soup and sometimes even that proves to be too much. Coffee is too harsh. Milk products seem…
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