It’s always been like this. Not exactly like this but there has always been an aspect of this. On one hand I hadn’t anticipated that it would continue beyond the end date. I kind of thought once it was over it would be relief and nothing else.

Turns out it is not that way.

Old habits tend to overstay their welcome. Old habits especially love slipping in when crises come to call.

My nervous system is cooling off. I sleep better now than I have in years. I’m facing the worst thing I could have anticipated in my mom passing away.

And I am managing.

And I am getting it done.

And I am doing so alone.

In part because I decided to. In part because the universe forced my hand. Because sometimes people are who they are and we either resign ourselves to tolerating it forever or decide we simply can’t and must move on. Sometimes we try too hard for too long.

I started to understand a few weeks ago that my mother was indeed dying. I started to get an idea of the responsibility I was about to take on. I started to see the importance of the role I’ve been given.

Do you know what happened?

Old habits kicked in.

That familiar voice appeared and my stomach turned immediately.

It told me this was probably out of my scope. It told me I was sure to make a mistake. It told me that I typically mismanage things. I lack focus. I make illogical decisions.

Insidious. Often disguised as helpful. Constantly reminding me of my own shortcomings and injecting uncertainty any time I felt confident. It wasn’t that there was too much criticism, of course, it was that I was too sensitive.

“no one else has that opinion of me…”

“no one else is as close to you.”

Three years ago (+) I found a clarity of mind I thought I could never achieve when I removed cocaine from my life. Life isn’t ever perfect but I somehow found the recipe I needed to stay in it regardless.

In 2025 I removed a voice of discouraging resentment from my sphere and found out that I had no idea what clarity really looked like. It didn’t immediately remove the responses, though. That’s one part I believe might take time and practice.

The first thing I have to master is this nagging self love I keep hearing about. I’m supposed to care for myself instead of being mean to myself I’m told. I’m supposed to protect myself like I protect my babies.

What a piss off.

Because that means when I’ve mentioned to my partner that I feel a behaviour is hurtful to me and I get ignored I am supposed to take a stand. That means I’m not trying to win someone over who doesn’t want to be here. That means I’m putting my foot down and revoking access to me.

I spent a lot of years sharing vulnerability to have it weaponized. I spent a lot of years trying to be heard and being ignored. I spent a lot of years giving in and giving up and I have nothing but lost time to show for it.

I don’t intend to spend any more of my years trying to be heard when I say I am hurting.

As it turns out, I’d rather be alone.