Self Respect is a Trap

I saw a short clip yesterday of someone quoting Friedrich Nietzsche as having said a man who knows too much can’t fit in anywhere. He called it the curse of the enlightened or something like that.

I’ve spoken about this myself.

If you grabbed me by the face in 2022 and told me that getting clean would reveal the truth of many things rather than revealing the road to repair I don’t know if I’d have been so motivated to have done it.

Self respect has been a double edged sword.

I’m supposed to have boundaries. I’m supposed to stand up for myself. I’m going to have to command the kind of treatment I want from others.

It’s a pain in the ass, to be honest, because I hadn’t anticipated treating me with respect was so fucking difficult.

I want to stomp my feet and scream at the sky a little bit.

Twice I’ve put my foot down.

Twice I’ve revoked access to me because I’ve been repeatedly treated without care or consideration by people I believed. I have been repeatedly and deeply disrespected by people I have trusted. Trust, a thing I find so difficult to give out in the first place.

Because every time I put trust in a male creature it burns me.

Lots of talk about how nice guys finish last. I guess I wouldn’t know anything about nice guys at all.

What I do know is my options seem to be either be a doormat or be companion-less. What a fun development. Aren’t I glad to have knowledge and growth and character development and dedication and not one person who can love ME. I have everything I ever wanted and no one wants me.

This is my worst nightmare. Truly.

Everything I did was designed to avoid the one lesson god seems to really want to teach me. The one lesson i really don’t want to have to learn.

I’m actually better off alone.

Right? Rather than putting myself through the anguish of what it’s like to try and watch someone like me, just give up. It’s hard enough to get me to like me.

I’m easy to mentally beat the shit out of, easy to lie to, easy to give up on, easy to forget about.

Cool. Message very much received.

Thanks.