I’ve written plenty about what it’s like for me to recall parts of my life as an immersive experience. When I look at a photo or hold an item I will often be transported back to a moment in surround. The smells and sounds and the way it all felt will flood in.
I no longer wonder what drew me towards cocaine like a moth to a flame. It distracted me from the immense feelings I couldn’t manage. It distracted me from reliving everything that ever hurt my feelings.
The drawbacks obviously outweigh any benefits.
From the place I stand today I can see the things I endured a lot clearer. I’ve done a lot of work to understand everything isn’t actually my fault and to accept that many of the things I’ve been told I am or do were never really about me at all.
All it really took to shatter the lie was the word, “okay”.
It didn’t really matter what I did, I’d begun to see. Without fail I faced criticism every single day about the decisions I made alone.
I was on the receiving end of yet another stern talking to in response to the use of gasoline while trapped in the car. Exhausted and frustrated with my inability to be less of a burden, I didn’t argue my point.
“okay.”
For some reason this lack of engagement created a huge response. Perhaps it was the first indication of the shift in dynamics. I stated the truth: I was tired of vying for approval I’d never achieve. I was tired of being chastised and never being heard. I was tired of doing my best and not being enough.
Within three months the effort started in a perplexing direction. Perplexing, that is, for me as a person. Psychologists are well-versed in this cause and effect I now know.
When people show you who they are, believe them right?
When the worship stopped and the elephant in the room became impossible to ignore, when I hit my limit and demanded more… When I stopped living my life to make his easier? My relationship was over.
There is no difference between a person who neglects their family using a video game console or a website and someone who does so by jogging or drinking. There’s no difference between icing people out and withholding from the couch in the home you share or doing so from a different locale.
The message hasn’t changed. The behaviour isn’t different than it ever was. The only thing that is obvious now is that there wasn’t an issue with capability, just desire.
Everything is exactly the same.
There’s no juxtaposition between a person who estranges themselves from their family regardless of if they do so physically or emotionally. The Venn diagram is a circle.
It’s incredibly painful for the recipients of this treatment to have it displayed publicly. It’s painful to admit that there was never any reason to expect different. This is blatant enough for peripheral acquaintances and family alike to reach out privately. There’s nothing quiet about this development.
The hardest part is admitting to myself and others what I hid as much as I could. It’s hard to face what I allowed to happen and what I have modeled as a mother.
Coming back from addiction was really tough because of the guilt associated with the decisions I made. I had to do a lot of really difficult rerouting of my gut reactions and I had to find a way to let shit go.
This isn’t all that different an undertaking. I’m really accustomed to responding in specific ways to stimuli. Like it or not, my blood pressure increases and my palms sweat and I lose my ability to control much. Like it or not, I am hurt and angry and watching identical situations repeatedly hurt others knowing I have played such a huge role in my situation by making myself a passive person in the face of deep pain and suffering.
The only way out is through it. The only way to grow is through honest reflection.
I’m not angry that people are behaving in the exact same way they’ve always behaved.
I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that still, to this day, I allow my delusional nature to expect anything new. I’m angry at myself for the lengths I went to and the time I spent pouring into something that would be entirely doomed regardless. I’m angry enough to never compromise the needs of this family to keep the peace ever again.
Maybe that alone is worth the embarrassment.
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