In a recent conversation with a very long standing friend she described my former life in terms I’d never considered before. She said I had presented answers to certain questions as though I was pitching a work in progress. As though this was a project we were working on with measurable future family goals. That’s one way to describe the propensity I have to give people far more of the benefit of the doubt than I should, I guess. That’s one way to describe my ability to cling to breadcrumbs and hope. To turn the reddest of flags green.
That’s one way to describe my ridiculous obsession with love. With measuring my worth through the approval of others. Males. I am one – person driven and I have extreme daddy issues. I have been an absolute bonehead nightmare.
That’s how I found out I wanted to be less of a bonehead nightmare.
It’s a work in progress. We call these our character defects, though I think they have to be identified a little more specifically.
I had what is commonly referred to as a foundation of sand in my life. I looked for my value in the eyes of someone who treated me with resentment and outright hostility more than I care to acknowledge to this day. I sunk into despair. The worst things were the more chaotic I became. I got messier. It only ever got worse from a certain point and it seems everyone who saw behind the curtain knew it.
What was being built could never have endured the test of time because it was always a foundation of sand. I took too long. I wasn’t strong enough when I should have been.
This is part of my step four and five every time and I will be living these amends to the people I hurt in the process until my time is through.
Can we just pause for a minute here, please?
This is all quite mortifying for me.
If there had been any way I could have avoided starting over I would have. There’s a million reasons why it’s super embarrassing to leave a long term relationship but bottom line is this:
The structure wasn’t sound. The lack of my own foundation caught up to me and it all came crashing down.
So I started. We started. Call us the three little pigs, I guess. No straw, no sticks… The three of us started placing bricks.
There are very specific things in my life today that keep me safe and sane. Not just from cocaine, mind you, but from the deep despair that I lived for most of my life seeking comfort in serving difficult people. Brick by Brick, day by day. Gratitude always. Acceptance to aid me with my toxic relationship with suffering. Connection.
To people who are safe and understanding. To people who enrich our lives as we do theirs. To people we can learn from and grow with. To people with whom we can disagree in healthy conversation.
To myself and my values. To my beliefs without pushing them on others.
To the collective energy that some call omnipotent, I connect to the earth. I listen to and pick up energy. I reflect on the signs the universe sends us daily.
And I trust the process when I’m struggling. That’s faith.
That’s the foundation of the life I lead today. It keeps me present and clear-minded, though I’m behind on the self love portion.
The lesson will keep coming until you learn it, they say. The lesson sure sounds a lot like “solo” these days.
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