The Foundation

In a recent conversation with a very long standing friend she described my former life in terms I’d never considered before.

She said I had presented my life as though I was pitching a work in progress. As though this was a project we were working on with measurable future family goals. Ever the work in progress

And what isn’t, right?

That’s one way to describe the propensity I have to give people far more of the benefit of the doubt than I should, I guess. That’s one way to describe my ability to cling to breadcrumbs and turn them into hope. To turn the reddest of flags green.

That’s one way to describe my ridiculous obsession with love.

Measuring my worth through the approval of others. Males. I am wildly loyal, one-person driven and I have extreme daddy issues. I have, at times, been an absolute bonehead nightmare.

In fact, the more I failed at gaining approval, the more I acted like a bonehead nightmare.

That’s how I found out I wanted to be less of a bonehead nightmare.

It’s another work in progress. We program minded call these our character defects, though I think they have to be identified a little more specifically in doing the work.

I had what is commonly referred to as a “foundation of sand”. I looked for my value in the eyes of someone who regarded me with resentment and hostility more than I care to acknowledge.

I sunk into despair.

The less I felt approval the more chaotic I became. I got messier in every way. It only ever got worse from a certain point and it seems everyone who saw behind the curtain knew it. People have been getting comfortable telling me things they’ve been holding back for years.

What was being built could never have endured the test of time because it was always a foundation of sand. I took too long. I wasn’t strong enough when I should have been.

This is part of my step four and five every time and I will be living these amends to the people I hurt in the process until my time is through.

Can we just pause for a minute here, please?

This is all quite mortifying for me.

If there had been any way I could have avoided starting over I would have. There’s a million reasons why it’s super embarrassing to leave a long term relationship but bottom line is this:

The structure wasn’t sound. The lack of my own foundation caught up to me and it all came crashing down.

So I started again. We started again. Call us the three little pigs, I guess. They trust in me and I take that very seriously.

No straw, no sticks… The three of us started placing bricks.

There are very specific things in my life today that keep me safe and sane. Not just from cocaine, mind you, but from the deep despair that I lived for most of my life in seeking comfort from difficult people. Brick by Brick, day by day. Gratitude always. Acceptance to aid me in holding boundaries between me and my toxic relationship with suffering.

I need genuine connection.

To people who are safe and understanding. To people who enrich our lives as we do theirs. To people we can learn from and grow with. To people with whom we can disagree in healthy conversation. Where there’s no competition.

There’s no one here who doesn’t want to be.

I stay connected to myself and my values. To my beliefs without pushing them on others.

In great gratitude for the collective energy that some call omnipotent, I connect to the earth. I listen to and pick up energy. I reflect on the signs the universe sends us daily.

And I trust the process when I’m struggling. That’s faith.

The lesson will keep coming until you learn it, they say. The lesson, I hope, is sinking in.

That’s the foundation of the life I lead today. It keeps me present and clear-minded, though I’m behind on the self love portion.