If I’m not careful and deliberate about my thinking it gets away from me. This morning I was out on the road and without any awareness I began to run the old software. I started running through the ways I fall short and why I am never enough for anyone.
I relive the life i left behind and hold it in contrast to what is happening now. My little trauma self is getting louder, chanting all the things he told me about who I was when I believed him. It feels like I’m trapped in a chamber of “all my fault” before suddenly screeching to a mental halt.
Hold on. Hold on. My palms are starting to sweat and my heartrate has increased. These are my telltale signs of an incoming emotional storm.
I inhale. I roll my eyes at my own struggle.
“We just got a book about this stuff, Lindsay, what should I be doing right now? What am I supposed to put into practice?”
I exhale. Be here now.
The practice is presence. The practice is to stay right where I am. I can feel the grip of the blame game loosen ever so slightly.
I am not in trouble. Nothing is wrong. No one is going to punish us or teach us a lesson.
I’m the captain now.
It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t enough for some people to love and respect. It doesn’t matter if I’ve often been something people want to hide away or act ashamed of. It doesn’t matter that I was meaningless or that losing me is quite regularly the best case scenario when anything is over.
It doesn’t matter if everyone is better off without me.
True or not, here we are.
Turn up the music. Pick up the pace.
Focus on this moment. Fuck the past.
Liberation.
Where I’ve been treated in unloving ways before, today I’m free. My energy is lighter. My time is my own.
Where I begged for love and companionship, I beg for nothing.
Where I was labelled irresponsible and self centered, silence.
No one tears me down. No one calls into question my abilities. Not one person gets to tell me what to do or when to do it.
So what if I gave everything I had to people who despised me?
Bring it back, Lindsay. Where do you stand today? What is your reality NOW?
Today… I’m no one’s secret shame. I am independent and contented and if I want to dine alone it’s not because I’m tethered to someone who can’t be bothered. Today I don’t hold anyone back. I’m not a burden on a soul. Today I’m not confused about where I stand. I’m not waiting for understanding. I’m not hoping it’ll get better. I’m not lying to myself or fooling myself into believing love has to hurt all the time or that my needs are problematic.
I’m no longer the scapegoat. I’m not ever in trouble. I’m not trying to get through to a wall anymore. No longer wasting my time.
Imagine the happiest you’ve ever been being directly after pushing your own family out the door. Imagine how miserable a person would be to live with whilst spending their entire youth in a bond they didn’t want with people they didn’t care for.
Liberation all around. From the lies and masking and lip service and betrayal.
I’m not obligated or inclined to protect or defend shitty people anymore. Not a single one.
Liberation indeed.
And as it turns out, that might just be worth wasting twenty years of my life.
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