Let Them Lie

I have this affliction where words and scenes replay in my mind. This has always been the way it works and I don’t get to pick what stays.

Flashback to October when the switch got flipped. On a dime we stopped begging for reconciliation and like magic I “couldn’t ever have a successful relationship being so insecure”.

“because I didn’t like you being mean to me? because I don’t enjoy you making fun of me?” I asked.

“not everyone feels like that.”

Hook.

Line.

Sink her.

That’s true, I suppose. Not everyone is insecure like me. On the other hand, though, not everyone I meet has the need to talk down to me. Not everyone makes a life of dragging me down. Not everyone gets off by making other people suffer.

Coercive control has a formula, after all. It doesn’t work on people with the self-respect to identify it. It only works on people who can’t love themselves.

Have you heard this? I have.

I’ve written about it, too. You can’t love others until you love yourself, right? Whether it’s yoga or some drug addled trip sitter or a deep woods wellness retreat, a lot of people are trying to sell you on this idea that a hot rock massage, a manicure and saying “no” is the key to a lady’s success in romance and beyond.

Fuck that, for real. Save your money. Waste your time instead.

Get in a relationship young. Give every ounce of yourself vying for approval you’ll never get. Share your fears and vulnerabilities with the kind of person who will use them to manipulate you. Snag a guy who will tell you hurtful conversations never happened. That you remember everything wrong. Get the kind of person in your life who will drain you mentally, criticize your decisions, call you irresponsible and tell you how little you contribute.

Let yourself be treated like a burden so often you believe it. Have every mistake you’ve made thrown back at you the second you have any needs.

Get a man who will tell you at every opportunity how lucky you are to have him and how much you’ve dragged him down. Get someone who truly believes you’re the reason he’s a failure.

This is the long road, mind you, but if living it doesn’t kill you it will cause a revolution of spirit.

Call it my great rebellion, backed by angels.

I have never been one to take the easy road. I’ve never been great at learning the lessons quickly. For so many years so many people preached acceptance and I screamed at the sky in resistance. I tried to insist it could change from the inside. I admitted defeat hoping to see change from the outside.

I’ve stood screaming that it could change to anyone who would listen, who might have influence, who might stand up for what’s right…

But the true lesson is accepting it won’t.

I don’t need you to know the context that we know. I am no longer asking anyone to apply logic to the insane assertion that I’m somehow envious and take me at face value. I don’t need anyone to understand the deliberate handcrafted violence being forced outward here.

I only need to act.

I just need to accept the call was coming from inside the house all along.

Despite it all, I did get out alive.

And suddenly I don’t need anything from anyone.

Get yourself someone who tries their best to put out your flame and then set the world on fire.

As for them dogs, sleeping or otherwise…?

Let them lie.