It was the smugness more than anything.
I wasn’t shocked. In all honesty, it’s what I spent eight months trying to arrive at. Sometimes people need to believe things were their idea in order to go through with them.
Sometimes people do a better job when they think they have the upper hand.
I don’t care about what motivates right action here. I only care to get there.
It was the smugness that tripped me up. The arrogance.
It was the putrid stench of the self-righteousness that filled the air. The feeling that became so familiar to me after living it so long.
It’s not a familiar feeling anymore and I didn’t realize how automatic a response it would trigger.
It makes me feel like a cat that’s been captured. Without much planning or strategy I want to flail myself wildly until I’ve escaped from the danger. I have that same feeling I once lived in that if I could explain it well enough I would be heard or respected.
I had the urge. I had the frustration. I had a good gas station meltdown nearly halfway home.
Then I wiped the makeup from my cheeks and looked at my aging face in my rear view mirror and started to smile.
It’s no less upsetting to recall what I let fly. It’s no less difficult to hear someone speak the things we lived out loud and see a satisfied smile from the person who inflicted them.
The smugness though? That upset was so fleeting.
I didn’t crash out any longer. I had a short-lived elevation of the emotions and then it slowed.
That feeling can only take root if I continue to engage in old patterns. That feeling is a direct result of my ego. A smug face is the direct result of ego.
If I look at it from a place removed from my pride it’s a vast improvement on my position prior. We have a framework for accountability and recourse if we need it. It’s a little bit more structure and hopefully a renewed sense of responsibility for everyone involved.
This is the measure of success that is relevant.
No longer do I need to measure my worth against how someone else perceives me. I’m not playing us vs them.
A person could spend their entire life trying to win the favour and approval of difficult people. I chose not to do that anymore.
A person could also live their life trying to prove their superiority over everyone they’re threatened by.
My yard stick isn’t reliant on how you see me or who believes me or whether I feel dominant in a dynamic.
My dominance comes from wiping my cheeks, brushing my hair back out of my eyes and going home to people who love me. My “win” is not needing to get my way to see the silver linings.
Let them measure themselves against my existence as long as they’d like. Let them consistently watch what I do and what I say and compare themselves.
As for me, that’s not the vibe I’m going for.
😄
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